how can you have any pudding if ya dont eat ya meat?? - training for The Amazing Race

So the night started out okay...my Minnesota friends called me to see a movie. Around 7:30 I hopped on my scooter and followed them on their bikes to the theater (I couldn’t meet them because last time I tried to find it on my own I took a wrong turn...seems to be a reoccurring theme lately). Anyway we saw Robin Hood...it wasn’t bad. It made me want to take up archery, we'll see what happens...so after the movie Phil and Anna went home for the night, which left me to entertain myself for the evening. Thankfully (or so I thought so at the time) before I left work today Adelaide, my boss, told me to call her later if I didn’t have plans. She said she wanted to show me around the night market. Why the hell not? I was there last week but just kind of walked through. This time I could actually take my time and check things out...
I’ll admit I knew it was coming. I even skipped out on eating burgers with the Vikings prior to the movie for it. You’d think that would eliminate the shock value. It didn’t. I tried some food tonight. Some night market delicatessen, if you wanna call it that. I tried stuff that wouldn’t be eaten by most people unless they were stranded on a deserted island or forced into a SAW-like scenario where the only other option is a slow torturous death. I mean what the hell. Who in their right mind ever looked at an animal and thought to himself or herself “oh my, I wonder what THIS part of this glorious creature tastes like". Dicks.
So the first food I sunk my teeth into was a Taiwanese sausage, not a big deal...sausage, only with a hint of sweetness. I’ve had it before actually. Okay. Moving along from booth, to stand, to deep frying wok, to big ass pot of boiling what-have-you, Adelaide picked the next dish. We picked a couple of items from a buffet of choices laid out on trays and baskets. Of course I ate these items before I asked what they were, I wouldn’t have it any other way. The first level of disgust was achieved through some kind of digestive organ from some kind of small animal, be it a chicken, rabbit...I don’t know, or maybe I chose to forget immediately, either way. It was explained to me like this "you know how we have the organ for holding pee?" "Yeah" I replied. "Well this is the other one." Nuff said. The next food group Adelaide decided to experiment with was along the lines of pigskin and egg yolk. This wasn’t breakfast. This was straight up, fresh off the back, not playing around with bacon, pigskin. Seriously, why? Gross. (Zlatko I know you probably hate me at this point…but not nearly as much as my stomach hates me) the eggs were just yolks wrapped up and fried. At first I thought they were for sure testicles of some mammal, but they weren’t, so I dealt with that pretty easily. What was the next brick in the food pyramid? We toned it down a little bit with some ham wrapped around stinky coleslaw and a ‘giant squid ball’. The squid ball actually wasn’t as bad as it sounds…it’s a baseball sized dough ball with all kindsa fixins stuffed inside of it; cheese, corn, eggs, carrots, green, and squid. After washing this delicious mess down with a watermelon juice (hella good by the way) we stepped the game back up. I took a Peking duck wrap to the face and followed it down with a heaping helping of chicken Mohawk. You might be wondering, “What’s this?” Oh let me tell you, it’s the chicken’s Mohawk, the red thing on top of its head. Yeah, how, or why, the hell would anyone think that would be a good source for EATING. What nutritional value could one possibly gain from chewing this gross cartilage hunk from the top of a chickens dome??? I actually asked this question. And Adelaide laughed at me…I told her it didn’t make sense, its like eating human hair. This thing almost put me over the edge. No joke…trying to describe the texture (just like eating chicken feet. those of you who haven’t heard me talk about that experience, its like biting a nose) doesn’t even do it justice. The last thing I have to talk about is the tongue action I got tonight. (Ha! Sorry mom, dad, grandmas, grandpa…I had to throw that in) once again…what genius historical Chinese figure thought it might be a good idea to eat this grotesque chunk of meat...this thing looks like something Sigourney Weaver fought in Alien, I’m not exaggerating either. It looks like a sling shot band. It looks like any number of things that should not be eaten. What the hell. I know I brought it upon myself, but come on man. Chewing this thing was sick, tasting this thing was sick, looking at this thing was sick… Lets stop here. Those who drink alcohol know that you occasionally have one of those days where you think back to what and how much you had to drink the night before, and it kinda makes you gag just thinking about it. Well that’s happening to me now. To top the night off, after a couple hours of entertaining herself through my suffering, Adelaide opens up and tells me she doesn’t do the night market food very often. When asked why, she said “because I sometimes don’t know how long it might sit out for…” HA!! Wow. You ever see the show ‘Monsters Inside Me’? If not, then start watching. I’m pretty sure I’ll be on it one day.




pigskin


stinky coleslaw wrapped in ham


dude makin my squid ball


egg yolk balls, theres some chicken feet reachin out on the side

watermelon juice son

giant squid ball

the buffet

rockin the chicken-hawk

eatin the chicken-hawk

duck tongue

invasion of the body snatchers